I NEVER PROMISED THEY'D BE FUNNY

Gordon Clown sent me an e-mail recently

2009-07-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

OFFICE OF THE PRIME MINISTER
HIS EXCELLENCY,MR GORDON BROWN
WEST MINISTER, LONDON
UNITED KINGDOM.

Our ref: ATM/13470/IDR Your ref:...Date: 24/07/2009

This is to officially inform you that we have verified your contract/inheritance payment file and discovered that the reason why you have not been able to receive your contract/inheritance payment after fulfilling all stipulated obligations and documentations is because you have been dealing with impostors and none staff of the CBE. To this end, all your efforts to secure the release of your fund failed. We therefore wish to advise that continuing with such illegal acts to claim your contract/inheritance funds will further frustrate and stop your payment claim.

We have received the express mandate and instructions of the PRIME MINISTER, LONDON UNITED KINGDOM:HIS EXCELLENCY,MR GORDON BROWN together with the HOME LAND SECURITY, the Interpol and the FBI to commence the immediate release of your funds through our swift card payment center. Based on the PRIME MISTER directive, we have concluded arrangements for the release of your payment. The payment will be concluded through our card center which will send to you an Visa/ATM CARD that you will use to withdraw your funds in any ATM MACHINE CENTRE or Visa card outlet in the world with a maximum of $10000 United States Dollars daily.

However, Note that this method of payment will be granted if it is acceptable to you for the release of your contract/inheritance entitlement. In View of this, you are advised to contact the Director (CBE,IRD, and ATM) COLIN DAVID for further information with the following contact details;

Contact Person.
-------------------
Name: Colin David
Email: colindpt@w.cn
----------------------------

You are required to provide the following
information:

1. Your full name:
2. Phone and fax number:
3. Delivery Address:
4. Occupation:
5. Age/Sex:

The VISA CARD PAYMENT CENTER has been mandated to issue out $2,000,000.00 (Two Million, United States Dollars) only as part payment of your contract/inheritance entitlement for the 2009/2010 fiscal year.

TAKE NOTICE: That you are warned to stop further communications with any other person(s) or office(s) different from the staff of the VISA Card payment center or Colin David to hitches in receiving your payment.

Regards,

Mrs. Becky Moore(Hon.)
Secretary to the Minister.

----------------------------------------------------------------
This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program.

Spam Poetry

2009-02-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

This must be a case of life imitating art with lots of engrish thrown in. but when both of these came to my spambox I thought I'd throw them together on a page and BAM instant poetry. it reminds me a little bit of Burroughs cut up period in a way...

Moree Orgasms
by Spambots

Luck, thou too hast attained to the condition only one she
could use, and while i was out she de bourgueville, who
went to the spot and exerted water just now, with due respect,
i got out this at once and accepted the cream that might
have.

The bombay reading ayastas. 165. Literally, 'a and, should
this part of the work excite general and smiling down upon
her, he answered cheerfully, themselves, and are able to
force, then seldom witness is called. Before the testimony
begins.

Who the hell would ever fall for this?

2009-02-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

Hello Sir/Madam ,
Business Proposal

In the galaxy where all is beauty i fine it necessary to approach your Platform these way, well i apologies for the inconvenient it will take you to listen to my magistrate got your contact when i was searching for business partner one fact to know is the essential sadness to pass through life without experience, yet is also sad to pass through life without sharing once experience and weakness to others, if this is truly of me, i remain my humble self Barrister Mumford Danso by name from United Kingdom.

In receipt to your profile, is a pressure and also necessary to relate this issue before your hearing, my late Client (Mr Dominic Dim Deng) was returning with a military delegation to the regional capital, Juba, from a political conference in the town of Wau on Friday, 2 May 2008 ,he should had being in (Juba) for a political era, so their plan clash and my Late Client die. See the website for confirmation,

(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7380412.stm).

My aim of writing you this email now is that My late Client should have being in Malaysia for a project on 4th night of these incident a project that worth the sum of ($25,500.000.00), Twenty Five Millions Five Hundred Thousand Dollars, deposited with a Security company in Malaysia, and he was expected to be Malaysia as soon as he return juba, eventually this incident occurred. I need your humble assistance to retrieve my late Client funds from the security company into your care as we come over for investment as i can not come out for this fund being his personal Lawyer. All the documents of this money and is where about is in my position. I need your urgent update of your interested of being my suitor to this Matter.

Thanks and God Bless.

From
Barrister Mumford Danso.
E-mail:barmumfordesq@live.com.my

Why do Anarchists only drink Herbal Tea

2008-10-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

the spam continues

2008-10-23T16:30:00.001-07:00

I've been getting some really strange spal lately. this one evidently thinks I'm married to Sarah Palin also, how is this in any way a press release?

For Immediate Release............. contact Barry Samuels 646-896-1128

Caribaya Rums

Big Apple Communications

MEDIA ADVISORY

VP CANDIDATE SARAH PALINS HUSBAND IS THE HOTTEST THING TO HIT POLITICS

NEW YORK BASED RUM COMPANY WANTS TO
MAKE ALASKAS FIRST MAN, AMERICAS NEXT
SUPERMODEL WITH BILLBOARD- AD CAMPAIGN

Dear Todd:

I would like to take this opportunity to express my congratulations on being the nation’s “newest hottie.” We at Caribaya Rums are searching for a product supermodel to be placed on billboards and ads across the nation.

We would like to make an offer to you about representing our rum products. We at Caribaya Rums think that you would become a sex symbol to the millions of women that enjoy our product, as well as become the new face in the advertising world. Even though you live in the land of cold, we are sure that you would melt the tons of hearts that see this ad.

Celebrities and politicians provide the best exposure for product sales. Look what former U.S. Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole did for Viagra. If your wife moves to Washington , you might be looking for a new job. Our ads appear on the back of every New York City bus.

Since our product comes from the tropical islands, our Madison Avenue team feels that a possible ad can have you revealing your bare chest, dressed in Hawaiian boxer shorts, surrounded by our rum.

Thank you for your anticipated review of this request. Should you accept an offer from us we know that Alaska ’s “first dude” will be the most popular spouse in the world.

Sincerely,

Martin Silver. President and CEO

The Best Nigerian Fishing Scam Ever

2008-10-23T02:24:00.000-07:00

Attn: Dear Friend,

I am Captain Bentley John Grass of the U.S. Marine Force on Monitoring and International Peace-Keeping Mission in Baghdad - Iraq. On the 26Th day of June 2003 we were alerted on the sudden presence of some terrorists camping in a surburb not too far from Karbala here in Iraq. After immediate intervention we captured three 3 of the Terrorists twenty-six 26 were killed leaving seven 7 injured.

In the process of torture they confessed being militants/rebels for late Ayman AL-Zawahiri and took us to a cave in Karbala which served as their camp. Here we recovered several guns, bombs and other Ammunitions including some boxes among which two contains suspected nuclear weapons one filled with hard drugs cocaine and the other four to my amazement contain Raw Gold, some huge amount of US Dollars bills amounting to USD $50Million after I and four of my junior intelligent officers move them out into Africa thru diplomatic means for save keep.

I however used my position and with a help of an international diplomat/associate move the box consignment that contain the cash amount of USD$50Million out to a Diplomatic Finance Trust Company located in Abidjan, depending when we find a reliable and trusted person who can travel on our behalf to the location for claim in a short notice for security reasons.

I am in keen need of a Reliable and "Trustworthy" person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for us up on till our assignment elapses here in Iraq. I assure and promise to give you 25% of this fund however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this business transaction. Further details shall be given to you as soon as you acknowledge the receipt of this mail and your willingness to proceed with us on these respect.

Best Regards,

Capt. Bentley J Grass.
U.S. Marine Corp.
Habbaniyah, Iraq.

********************************************************************************************************
PLEASE TAKE NOTE: THIS IS AN URGENT TOP U.S. MILITARY SECRET INFORMATION PLEASE DON'T KINDLY GIVE IT OUT IF YOU ARE NOT JUST INTERESTED KINDLY LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY
********************************************************************************************************

I got this in my e-mail account today and knew it had to go up here.

Hey Guess What...

2008-08-31T21:22:00.001-07:00

See I thought these were funy

2008-08-25T15:11:00.001-07:00

But taken together I can understand how one might get the wrong idea...

It's a good thing that this is a comedy blog.

Batman!

2008-08-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

Ok so no doubt you've been puzzling as to why I've stopped updating my webcomic. The short answer is that I've run out of images, the long answer is I'm getting married in a week and have run out of time, images, humour and inclination (at least for a while). Will this spell the end of bad-core comics? Only time and a nice long honeymoon will tell. in the mean time get out and go for a bicycle ride, chances are you're only here because you're procrastinating on something else so if you're going to stall for time why not do it in the fresh air?

I'm runing out of ideas... and pictures...

2008-08-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

it's like deja vu all over again

2008-08-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

ow my eyes... again

2008-07-30T02:08:00.000-07:00

at least the rent is affordable

2008-07-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

Rooster Jokes... the great cop out

2008-07-23T03:20:00.000-07:00

I did a google search for Gastric Bezoars because I wanted to make a web comic about the stuff that doctors pull out of peoples stomachs only after looking at large stomach sized hairballs for a while and reading case studies by doctors and stomach specialists I was just too gorssed to go through with it so I made this instead. Go ahead google Gastric Bezoars... I dare you...

Je Suise Un Chemise

2008-07-22T01:47:00.000-07:00

think about it...

2008-07-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

I don't pay you minimum wage for my health...

2008-07-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

psyched out vengance

2008-07-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

Sunny Day Sweeping the Clouds Away...

2008-07-15T02:33:00.000-07:00

this isn't a joke.

2008-07-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

important call

2008-07-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

this land is my land, this land is your land, actually...

2008-07-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

I love my job

2008-07-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

Public Service Announcement

2008-07-09T02:23:00.000-07:00

I didn't make it I just posted it (and wish I'd made it)

you maniacs you blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!!

2008-07-07T03:14:00.001-07:00

and that's why I drink bleach

2008-07-04T22:53:00.001-07:00

I won't be updating regularly for the next couple of days because I'm apartment sitting my fiancee's place and the internet is really patchy.

Stupid-ass Map

2008-07-02T03:10:00.000-07:00

this isn't a joke.

2008-06-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

go outside already

2008-06-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

ho ho ho motherfucker

2008-06-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

Hamburger Machine

2008-06-26T02:49:00.001-07:00

baloonacy

2008-06-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

it's the latest fad

2008-06-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

Pecan Pie-Chart

2008-06-21T03:07:00.000-07:00

like a broken machine... broken sex-machine

2008-06-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

It's a wonder I graduated

2008-06-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

A Chicken in every pot, and Octopus in every political office!

2008-06-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

2008-06-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

I watched too much television

2008-06-13T01:28:00.000-07:00

next time I get to drive

2008-06-12T02:08:00.000-07:00

where everybody knows your name

2008-06-11T02:26:00.000-07:00

Buy my cereal

2008-06-09T02:24:00.000-07:00

The Future is in Eggs

2008-06-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

Roaaaarrrrrr!

2008-06-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

so lazy sometimes I surprise myself

2008-06-04T18:24:00.001-07:00

can see that thing by the water cooler too?

2008-06-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

no comic tonight

2008-06-01T23:21:00.000-07:00

no computer access sorry.

Roid Rhage

2008-06-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

Rum, Sandwiches, and the Lash

2008-05-31T00:55:00.000-07:00

everybody wang-chung tonight

2008-05-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

"I had an idea once, they put me in jail for it. It must have been a bad idea" -Wendel Udell

2008-05-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

coming to an e-mail address near you

2008-05-28T00:19:00.001-07:00

um, am I alright?

2008-05-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

guess what...

2008-05-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

smoking is not a good hobby

2008-05-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

And that's when they told me not to put all my ducks in a row

2008-05-24T02:20:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to do this

2008-05-22T00:49:00.001-07:00

he shits... he scores!

2008-05-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

beep beep beep aaaaaaah!

2008-05-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

ow my eyes

2008-05-19T00:26:00.001-07:00

Dude, you'll be a woman soon

2008-05-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

refrigerator king strikes again

2008-05-17T01:04:00.001-07:00

stop it I want to get off now

2008-05-16T01:49:00.000-07:00

I need to eat with those

2008-05-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

I'm on vacation

2008-05-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

I won't be updating again until wednesday.

peace

there was an ozzy record on the turn table

2008-05-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

Don't be such a downer...

2008-05-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

burn baby burn

2008-05-09T02:55:00.000-07:00

movietimes

2008-05-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

I didn't make it, I just found it. Enjoy

electioneering

2008-05-07T02:05:00.001-07:00

distractistan

2008-05-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

the cure is cocaine, lots of cocaine

2008-05-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

full house was always my favourite show

2008-05-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

I was there, I saw it all!

2008-05-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

So this dog walks into a telegraph office and says "I want to send a wire to someone" and the telegraph man says "ok what do you want it to say" and so the dog says "I want it to read woof woof woof woof woof". After writing it all down the telegraph guy says to the dog "you know, for an extra 50 cents you could add another woof in there". And the dog kind of looks at him and says "but then it wouldn't make any sense".

look, he's not even trying any more.

2008-05-02T00:59:00.000-07:00

props to sexy alexi

I'm bored

2008-05-01T01:40:00.000-07:00

snakes

2008-04-30T03:55:00.000-07:00

yeeeehaww

2008-04-29T02:24:00.000-07:00

must have been something I ate

2008-04-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

I hate this game

2008-04-26T00:36:00.000-07:00

get the rust proofing

2008-04-25T00:53:00.000-07:00

oops...

2008-04-24T00:01:00.001-07:00

ummn...

2008-04-23T02:21:00.000-07:00

hehehehe

2008-04-22T02:06:00.000-07:00

2008-04-21T01:33:00.000-07:00

isn't it grand?

2008-04-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

come over and watch it on my Kinetoscope

2008-04-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

So... why can't I eat it?

2008-04-18T01:13:00.001-07:00

corpse flower

2008-04-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

I like to build things

2008-04-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

green cheese exporters incorporated

2008-04-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

feelin good

2008-04-14T23:58:00.000-07:00